


Inside The Freemen's Household (Ft. Barney Calhoun because the apartment would be in flames without him)

by SoraShiro001



Series: Freemanverse: Casual-Competitive Gaming AU [1]
Category: Half-Life, Half-Life but the AI is Self Aware
Genre: AU where Freemind and Barney are the rational ones, Feetman is also rational because he had Joshua, Freeman loves his crowbar too much, Freemanverse: Casual-Competitive Gaming AU, Gen, Gordon Freemanverse, Gorgeous is also a babey but bigger, Speedrun is a babey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:34:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27157351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoraShiro001/pseuds/SoraShiro001
Summary: Five Gordon Freemans, one Joshua Freeman, and one Barney Calhoun inside an apartment, what kind of shitshow would they create?So, so many shits.(With a side of show, of course!)
Series: Freemanverse: Casual-Competitive Gaming AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1994932
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	1. Cookies (?)

**Author's Note:**

> Just a bunch of super short scenarios that I and my fellas in Discord made with added my solo scrounging at the internet, and I tried to reform them a little so they could fit. **(YO, THANKS AGAIN Y'ALL PEOPLE ON DISCORD FOR HELPING ME, LOVE YOU GUYS)**
> 
> Main Crew  
> \- HL Gordon: John  
> \- VR Gordon: Wayne  
> \- FM Gordon: Ross  
> \- Speedrun: Dean  
> \- Gorgeous: Antoine  
> \- Barney is still the same  
> \- Joshua is babey...
> 
> Additional Crew  
> \- Barney's Mind: Barnes  
> \- Shephard's Mind: Hadrian  
> \- The HLVRAI Bois  
> \- The OG Crews
> 
> Main Tumblr blog: https://freemanverse-casualcomp-au.tumblr.com/

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is trying to make cookies under Ross’ supervision. It goes very, very wrong. Someone please evacuate Ross from breaking down and dying please-

“Why the fuck you wanted to make cookies again?” John’s eyebrows twitched upon hearing Ross’ question, putting down their groceries on the top of their kitchen counter. Pulling out a box of instant cookies mix, the rattail-tied haired man paused for a moment to take a good look at the box and then to him, his usual grumpy face now had a hint of concern. “You better not burn the fucking kitchen like last time, I’m tired of eating outside and it’s a waste of money.”

He sharply nodded, eyes focusing at his laptop, its screen displaying a simple step-by-step to make cookies for amateurs using its instant mix.

He was determined to make these warm and sweet delicacies of Barney’s favourite kind; plain, dark brown sugar-infused cookies with chocolate chips sprinkled on the top of them. His long-time teammate’s birthday is tomorrow and he wanted to make the man proud of him for baking these bad boys, maybe even letting him help inside the kitchen.

_(Looking at his captain’s inner flame lit up, Ross silently grabbed a fire extinguisher under the sink to the closest place he could grab on for safety measures.)_

“Sheesh, can you not making that face?” He looked up from the screen, his green eyes meeting Ross’ unfriendly _(not cold, just unfriendly)_ lighter ones. The ace frowned before he took a deep breath and passed the box to him. “Just check behind for additional ingredients. I’ll be helping if you break shit or something. I’ve preheated the oven so you couldn’t burn down this place again.”

_(Looking out for his captain’s attempt to bake somehow made him nervous as hell. He decided to sit on a chair near the counter so he could immediately intervene if John screwed up on something.)_

He gave another nod, his hand grabbed the box firmly and flipped it. He could see all of those needed steps and its wet ingredients. All he needed to do is to put a stick of softened butter and a large egg.

_…softened butter?_

He took a glance at the counter where Ross lastly put out all the groceries. Sure enough, a stick of butter and a carton of eggs were left there for easier usage. He grabbed the solid dairy product and squeezed it gently, his face slightly soured when he found out it’s still hard to touch.

_How to soften a butter…maybe he could use-_

“Cap, I know what you’re thinking right now from the look of your stupid face and no, you can’t use your damned crowbar to soften the fucking butter.”

John silently groaned upon hearing the ace’s blunt and harsh statement, but it’s true. Barney never let him in the kitchen when he saw John with his crowbar. It means that he needed an alternative to soften this thing up, but how?

_(Ross saw how his captain trying to think other solutions to soften a single butter without using his favourite weapon and huffed in slight frustration. How is this so-called “FPS Expert” man also useless at normal things?)_

“Use the fucking microwave, dumbass!” He could detect a bit of anger behind Ross’ statement as he pointed up above John’s head, at the top cabinet to be precise. “You grab a microwave-safe bowl from there and put the butter in there, then you put it into the microwave and use 500watt power for fifteen seconds. The butter will soften from the heat and you can use it for your stupid cookies.”

John didn’t want to admit it loudly, but Ross was being incredibly nice to him today.

He quickly did the things Ross had told him. Fortunately, Barney taught him how to use the microwave when he was still living together with his vice-captain, so that’s one thing he could do himself. As the result, he managed to get the butter softened and ready for use. He put the bowl on the counter and stared at it for a second before grinned widely and went over to his laptop screen for the steps.

_(The sight of his captain grinning just for successfully soften a butter almost made him laugh out loud hysterically. Thankfully his common sense shook him out from that feeling before he explode from laughter. But really, he just noticed his captain is one simple normal man outside the gaming scenes.)_

The first step; put all the ingredients into a bowl and mix until homogenous.

_Huh, sounds simple enough._

He opened up the box and pulled out some packages containing the powdered mix and chocolate chips. With help from a pair of scissors, he cut the packages open and poured both of the contents into the bowl of softened butter. Finally, he grabbed an egg from the carton and tapped it on the counter’s rim, creating a small crack that he then used to easily cracked it open into the bowl without any mess.

He took a quick glance at Ross, eyes pleading for approval. The man looked at the contents of the bowl and gave him a thumbs-up, fueling his pride of success.

_(…He swore he heard a slight squeal from John after that. A fucking childish happy squeal from the usually stone-faced captain of his. What the fuck.)_

_Now, to mix all of this…maybe now he could-_

“Cap, I swear if you’re thinking about using your fucking crowbar to mix those, I’ll forever ban you from using the kitchen again.”

_Welp, time to think of another option._

He scanned the kitchen for a stirring tool and his eyes landed on a big wooden spoon near the sink. With that, he managed to turn the pile of ingredients into a dough with no difficulty.

_Perfect. Now to add his personal touch-_

“Ah, sonovabitch, I need to make a call to somebody first.” Ross’ sudden voice startled him out from his focus. The ace got up from his chair and walked to the balcony while pulling out his phone from his bomber jacket pocket. “Be right back after this, and don’t put the cookies before I told you to.”

And with that, Ross was no longer in his sight.

_…Is this means…_

As if he was possessed, he ran into the pantry and grabbed a tube of tomato paste, a jar or dark brown sugar, and small can of sea salt. At the same time, he opened up the fridge and grabbed a can of Monster and cracked open the fizzy energy drink. He put all four items into the counter near the dough bowl and began to dump them all inside the bowl without any kind of self-preservation whatsoever.

A small laugh escaped his lips, and it’s not the good one.

_(_ _Holy fuck, why the air is getting chilly all of the sudden? Ross tightened his grip on his warm phone as he put it back inside his jacket and went back inside.)_

“Yo, I’m back from doing shi- what the fuck are you doing?”

His head immediately snapped at the voice’s direction, eyeing at horrified-looking Ross. His signature grumpiness was replaced with a face of disgust and fear. “CAP WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PUTTING- OH FUCK IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT!!!”

He shrugged him off, grabbing an empty baking tray with a sheet of parchment paper and put big dollops of the “dough”, even he wasn’t sure if it’s still considered cookie dough, but he feels like he did the right thing.

_(He bet his dumbass captain thought he did the right thing, judging from his slight pride smirk plastered on his face right now. Hell, he’ll put all his PC setup inside that fucking bet.)_

Ross gritted his teeth but didn’t say anything else. John knew his ace was in deep stress seeing what he did but didn’t say much. Barney loves food with tomato paste and he saw an article that chocolate chip cookies are better with sea salt added. He didn’t know about Monster drinks in them, but he hoped that they’ll turn up good.

After finishing up putting out all the dough, He put them into the preheated oven and put on a timer at ten minutes, then walked away from his crime scene calmly, knowing that Ross wouldn’t do shit to his masterpiece.

_(If he managed to find Barney before his captain did, he need to warn him about John’s freshly-baked death in a form of reddish-looking cookies with chocolate chips)_

* * *

“Cap _,_ I’ve put your crap in the cooling rack now.”

John’s ears perked up upon hearing Ross’ voice and hurriedly blitzed from the sofa to the kitchen, eyes sparkled with delight. He could smell the sweet scent of the sweet brown sugar, along with the tomato paste and the overpowering Monster. To be honest, it’s not too bad of a smell.

_(OH SHIT OH FUCK THE SMELL IS SO FUCKING HORRIBLE, BARNEY PLEASE COME HOME-)_

“Oh, you looked so damn proud of yourself for not burning the kitchen.” The ace commented, putting all of the dirty dishes into the dishwasher and turned it on. “Those craps better not be deadly or I’ll call the poison control crew.”

The captain slightly nodded his head, a small doubt landed on his mind. What if the taste wasn’t as good? He shook out those thoughts and focusing on those normal-looking reddish-coloured cookies. From a first glance, people might think these were just a batch of red velvet cookies with chocolate chips until they got a whiff of the smell.

Yeah, he needed a guinea pig to taste test one of them.

And the perfect candidate is just staring back at him with his usual grumpy face.

_(…Why he felt like death is visiting him?)_

“…What are you staring a- HURMPK!”

_(WAITWHATTHEFU- Holy fuck he could see his entire life flashes before his eyes-)_

With a speed of Lion’s EE-One-D ***** , John snatched one of the cookies and stuffed it into Ross’ mouth, which then the ace instinctively chew and swallow. His eyes widened and he seems to freeze for a moment before he dropped down to the floor and passed out.

_…Is he dead? Did he just kill a man with food? Should he call an ambulance?_

“Hey, I’m home- what the hell is happenin’ here?”

John froze when he heard that Southern-accented voice and slowly turned his head towards the source of the voice. Barney was standing near the counter, his brown-green heterochromia irides* eyes staring at them like he’d found a crime scene.

_Well, he’s not wrong, it looks like a crime scene._

_And he needed to silence the witness._

“…Gordon? Why are holding that cookie- URK!”

Like Ross, he stuffed his weapon to the vice’s mouth and made him writhe in disgust first before meeting his fate like his other unconscious teammate.

* * *

It was a usual Monday at the team’s apartment, with an addition of the team’s duo chef banned John from using the kitchen ever again, and the reddish-coloured cookies got disposed in an open dumpster fire and forever gone from their sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Footnotes:
> 
> \- *Lion’s EE-One-D: Basically a gadget from R6S’s attacker Lion, used to detect enemies by movements and its detection is almost instantaneous.
> 
> \- *Heterochromia Irides/Segmental Heterochromia: When a patch of a different colour appears in one iris. In Barney’s case, he got a patch of green on both of his brown irises.


	2. Ross' Responsible Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was supposedly babysitting Alyx, but he ended up with another addition to The Freemans household and his life.
> 
> Time to give this little lass a chance to grow.

“Thanks for letting me join you, Ross big bro!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m the only one who got free time there.”

Alyx laughed out loud while ignoring the grumbling ace as they walked on the sidewalk, both of them munching hotdogs. One of the racer’s arms occupied with a small brown paper bag filled with some things Barney had told them to buy in the nearest grocery store.

Today was supposed to be Ross’ free time until Mr Vance came and told him to babysit this feral teenage racer for him, which he regretfully accept. As the result, he became Alyx’s “big brother” for a day. Although it’s not a bad experience for him to be called a big brother, it still irked him to the point he’ll glare at her to stop dragging him to every food store they’d encountered during their walk.

_ This kid is a money drainer for sure, _ he thought, green eyes staring at the racer’s seemingly innocent face.

At this point, his wallet is in danger.

He groaned in irritation for god-knows-how-much now.

It took him a few seconds to realize that Alyx was no longer following him. Instead, she was staring at an alleyway before walking inside, ignoring Ross’ warning calls.

_ Oh, you’ve got to be- oh sonovabitch! _ He grumbled once again, turned around and chased the racer down there too, only to see her kneeling near a pile of planks and metal pieces. “ALYX, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?”

The racer turned around and shushed him down, earning a small confused look from him. “Don’t be too noisy or they’ll hurt themselves.”

“Wait, what do you mean-”

Then he heard it. A small meow noises came from under the pile.

Alyx risking herself to rescue a kitten.

_ God fucking damn it… _

“Out. Now.”

Before Alyx managed to let out a protest, Ross took the paper bag out of the racer’s arm and put them aside. He then yanked out his bomber jacket and used them as a layer of protection to move the pile bit by bit. She stunned to see the ace’s actions but then decided to help him out by removing the stray planks.

It took them about an hour for him to move all of the rubbles out, save for a small cardboard box right on the bottom of it. The racer then picked the box out and took a few steps away from the scene before lowering it, enough for him to see the content.

There the kitten was, he could see its small short jet-black fur has some brown patches around its head and near its tail area. Its body was trembling from the cold air around them, so he carefully picked up its body before layering the box properly with his jacket and put it down again, tucking it like a burrito. As he picked him out, he noticed one of its eyes is missing.

_ This lil fella looks just like me…  _ He frowned, fingers petting the kitten’s head gently.  _ I wonder how harsh life treated this fragile thing… _

“Ross big bro, you’re one softie-”

“Shut the fuck up and let’s take a detour to a vet.” He took the cardboard box from the racer’s hand, his head motioning at the paper bag laying down the dirty ground. “You’re taking care of your usual duty, I’m handling this one.”

* * *

  
  


“Don’t worry, Mr Freeman. The kitten is surprisingly okay for a stray, although she’s a bit malnourished.”

Ross’ tense expression finally relaxed upon hearing the vet’s verdict, quietly let out a huff of relief. Beside him, Alyx’s face brightened. “Can we see it- I mean her?” She asked with a slightly excited tone, her feet did her usual happy tippy-taps.

The vet nodded and went inside the examination room before she came back with a navy blue pet carrier. Behind the bars, he could see the little kitten snoozing peacefully, curling herself up inside his jacket. “I’m sorry, I think she took a liking on it. I can’t seem to separate her from your jacket.”

He stared at the cage before looking up at the vet once more. “How much for the medical bill and chip plant?”

His response earned a surprised yelp from Alyx and a small smile from the vet. “Ross big bro, you want to adopt her?!” He scoffed but nodded slightly.

“I wanted to give her another chance to live.” His eyes focused back at the kitten, his gaze softened as he slowly took the carrier from the vet and propped it on his lap, his hand unconsciously stroking it affectionately. “She reminds me of my old self somehow. Maybe the missing eye? Or maybe the fact that she was found by someone when she’s on her lowest?”

The vet lightly chuckled. “Well, let’s go working with all the needed paperwork, shall we?”

_ (...Thank God he didn’t spot her recording the whole thing, she’ll definitely send this to Dean big bro for additional pocket money.) _

* * *

“Yo, sorry we’re coming home late!”

“Finally, where the hell were you bo- what is that?”

Ross quickly registered Barney’s surprised expression when he and Alyx walk into the living room, holding the pet carrier on one hand and a big plastic bag of kitten’s food and formula on the other. The rest of the house members also joined into looking, Antoine and Joshua’s eyes were sparkling with delight, while Wayne, Dean, and John’s expressions were indescribable. “Okay, you fuckers better be quiet or you’ll wake up Mindy.” He walked through them and slowly put the carrier down on the carpeted floor, opened it up to let the little fella explore. Sure enough, Mindy walked out of her carrier while trying to…drag his jacket out too? Joshua helped her pull the rest of his jacket out and Mindy immediately lay down on it, purring while kneading on the faux fur part.

_ Fuck, this is too much sweetness in my life. _

“Where did you find this cute adorable kitty?” Antoine took out his phone and snapped a bunch of Mindy’s pic while Joshua closely observing the kitten, both of them trying not to disturb her.

The ace gestured at Alyx’s direction. “She found her while we’re on our way home.”

John gave her a thumbs up, as in his way to say  _ nice job _ .

Dean cleared his throat. “Should I give you one of those parental talks about you need to be a responsible young man to take care of a pet-”

“No need, the doc’s been giving me some talk about how to take care of Mindy regularly and her own phone number if I need something.” He pulled out a small notebook labelled **[Mindy’s Important Stuff]** and a set of numbers with  **“Dr Gilbert Viveca”** below it. “If I need help, I’ll reach to one of you guys.”

“Nice, you’re a dad now!” Dean laughed before pausing himself, eyes widening and he’s now grinning. “And now Wayne’s not the only DILF around.”

“I AM NOT-” Wayne immediately shut his mouth as soon as Ross glared at him with an intent to kill. “I mean- I’m not a fucking DILF and you know it.”

Although the rowdy condition of the house, Mindy still sleeping peacefully on his jacket.

Ross unconsciously let a small smile on his face again.

From all of the decision he’d made, this one is the best one yet.


	3. Daily Lessons for John - Laundry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In order to enjoy a domestic life, you have to understand the basics first.
> 
> John would do anything to achieve that kind of life, and he got backups to help him. 
> 
> First Lesson: Laundry with Wayne.

“John, you’re here already?”

Wayne saw the captain nodded, both his hands were occupied by a big laundry basket filled with a rather large pile of their apartment members’ dirty clothes. He himself also brought a big bottle of liquid detergent and a small bottle of softener. “Ant usually prefers to wash his own laundry himself, so thank God for that.” He gestured at John to follow him. “Let’s go downstairs. At this hour, the laundry room would be empty and we can start our lesson there.”

John once again nodded, he could see the sparkling excitement from his eyes. His excited eyes are the same one Joshua gave him when they’re about to do something together. The sight made him want to pat the captain’s head and tell him he’s doing a good job, but he shook off those thoughts and walked down the stairs together.

Why he’s teaching John how to do laundry, you may ask?

Among all of them, he’s the only one that didn’t get any house chores. Ross and Barney handling kitchen task, Ant and Dean both tidying up the rooms, and he himself cleaning the entire apartment and doing laundry with some helping hands from Joshua sometimes or Dean if he got some free time to spare. Although rare, he sometimes caught a glare of jealousy coming from John when they’re all doing spring cleaning together.

And two days before now, he asked him personally to teach him how to do laundry.

At first, he politely declined in fear of it ended up like the Cookies Accident _(He’s the first one who found both Ross and Barney’s unconscious body on the floor, so he knew it’s going to be horrible)_ , but he himself knew his own captain doesn’t accept no as an answer. So throughout the day, he followed him everywhere like a loyal dog, sometimes signing his request again. It took his entire patience and his memory recollection of his admiration of the-said captain to finally let him join his next laundry session.

_Although John could just threaten him with a crowbar or use_ ** _that_** _, the man didn’t, which is understandable._ His thought still running as they walked downstairs. _His past was the reason behind_ ** _its_** _existence, Barney only told him that much._

After a while, both of them arrived at the base floor of their apartment complex. According to Breen, most of the facilities on the base floor area are free for its tenants. Ant often uses the gym, while Ross and himself take some breather with Mindy and Joshua on the recreational area. Barney, Dean and John rarely use any of the facilities, except for the convenience store near the entrance. The speedrunner often bought instant food for weekends, while the captain stocked up instant coffee packs and his vice piled up preserved canned food and frozen stuff.

The laundry room was rather big for an apartment complex’s standard. Most of the washing machine here are the front-load type with few top-load kinds on one corner. On the other corner, a tall shelf quietly sitting with some boxes filled with laundry amenities. Four backless long steel benches were provided for waiting at the middle.

_Unlike other public laundry rooms, this one feels...comfortable._

As soon as they entered, John ran passed him, clearly marvelling the things around him. He dropped the basket and went into an exploring spree, from repeatedly opening and closing some washing machine’s lid, pressing buttons, to grabbing some of the solvable detergent pods available on the corner high shelf and slightly squishing some of them. During that time, A bright smile was showing on his expression with a childlike curiosity radiating from him.

_He reminded him of Joshua when he was still a few years younger, bright and full of energy._

“Okay, let’s start the lesson, shall we?” Wayne clapped once, snapping the captain from his exploration session and went back to face him while snatching the basket into his grasp once again. The support pointed at the bench area. “First, let’s sit down and separate these clothes by colours. We don’t want the darker coloured ones bleed and stained the lighter ones.”

John looked down at the pile of clothes inside the basket, then back at him with his head a bit tilted as if he confused about what he’s saying. Wayne lightly laughed at him. “Yes, John. Darker clothes can bleed out colours, so let’s sort them all together.”

With that, both of them sat down and started to separate the huge pile into two smaller ones. At first, John would tug his hand and present two coloured clothes with different shades and he’ll explain which one would bleed out more. Slowly, the tugging frequency lessened and he caught a glimpse of the captain concentrated as he separated them himself without his help. A feeling of pride swelled up inside his chest.

It took them thirty minutes to fully sort them into two piles. Although he felt indifference, John looked at the piles of clothes as if he won a major, expression filled with confidence. The man now looked at him again, waiting for another word.

_To be honest, he was impressed with his captain’s dedication to learn and adapt._

“I was planning to give you lessons on how to use both types of washing machines, but let’s stick to the front-load for today.” He brought the darker coloured pile on his arms and gestured to the machines in front of them. “Can you help me open the machine door, please? I can’t open it.”

John nodded and went ahead to do as he was told to. Wayne then put the clothes pile inside and closed the door, giving it a couple of pats before gesturing the captain to go closer. “Okay, now listen to me very carefully. If you screwed up in this part, you’ll be in serious trouble.”

* * *

“ -And pull these out from the dryer and that’s all the steps.”

Wayne pulled the freshly-dried warm clothes out and back to the basket, now lined up with large plastic bag he’d gotten from the shelf. “I would teach you how to fold them all, but that can wait.” He shifted his gaze at John, now load the brighter and white clothes pile into the washing machine beside him. “Now, do you remember the things I’ve told you?”

John nodded, his hand grabbed both liquid detergent and softener bottles from Wayne’s side and put them on the top of the machine. He pulled the machine’s detergent drawer and stared at the inner compartment before taking the detergent bottle and measure exactly one bottle cap of the thick clear blue liquid. He stared back at the drawer again before putting the detergent bottle cap’s content into the bigger part. He did the same with the softener and put the cloudy thick light blue liquid into the smaller one. With that done, he shut the detergent drawer and screw the caps back on. The captain looked back at the support, eyes pleading for approval.

“You passed the first step, that’s a good job!” Wayne ruffled the captain’s hair instinctively, only to pulled them out as quickly as possible. “Shit, sorry cap, didn’t mean to do that. You reminded me of Joshua somehow.”

John stared blankly at him and shrugged, then his gaze looked back to focusing on the buttons and started to press them. The power button, temperature, and spin cycle, he managed to choose the right ones all according to his direction. The only problem was he kept re-checking the options back, his lips pulled into a slight frown as if doubt has landed on his head. Once again, the man looked at him and he gave him a thumbs up accompanied with a grin. “Those are correct. Another good job for you, John!”

After he said that, his captain’s eyes were shining brighter than the day they win an Invitational, his frown quickly replaced by his happy grin. He pushed the start button and watched as the washing machine filled itself with detergent-infused water and started to slosh around. Wayne has never seen another person like him, fascinated in ordinary stuff and got excited when doing household chores.

“So, wanna sit on the bench while we wait?” John looked at him for a moment, then shook his head, pointing at the spinning load. “Well, I’ll be there if you need me.” He nodded his head without looking at him, eyes excitedly watching the clothes spinning around.

Wayne smiled, although small.

_...He really has Joshie’s childish personality…_

* * *

At that point on, Wayne trusts John to do the laundry task and the captain finally got a chore that he could do to contribute with his teammates. He never caused trouble on the laundry room or messing up any clothes, thanks to his guidance.

But sometimes, he needed a companion and he’s willing to volunteer.

He’s still a child inside, after all.


End file.
